A Fear of Being Well

It was my first psychiatrist, who told me I had a “fear of being well” and honestly, I thought that was absurd.  But to some extent, looking back I can see I was clinging to bipolar disorder as my identity. It was all I knew, and who was I with out it?

Unfortunately, I didn’t know who I was with it either.  It sounds kind of gross to me. And kind of ridiculous for me to cling to such mayhem and dysfunction!  However, it’s common (I know that, now) and it was definitely true for me, even though I didn’t know it at the time.

He was right. But, instead of clinging to the “fear of wellness,” how amazing it is to cling to the desire of stability?  To cling to the hard work of obtaining stability and to eventually cling to stability?

Easier said than done?  Yes.  Perhaps so.

Worth the work?  YES!

These are three of the top practical things to cling to:

1. Communicating with your doctor.  I cannot express this enough.  I say it all the time.  I feel very strongly about it.  Be you own advocate!

2. Healthy relationships. Out with the old, in with the healthy. It’s true that other people, negative, and abusive people will bring you down.  Don’t let them do it.  Change your phone number.  Do what it takes.


3. Taking your meds, and taking them as prescribed.  ‘Nuff said.  Ok, actually, I have more to say.  Take your meds as they’re intended to be taken.  If you don’t like something, tell your doctor immediately.  (See #1). If you’re not taking them properly they’re basically useless, so take ’em right! Do it. And do it right.

Don’t let fear of anything, especially a fear of wellness, get a grip on you!

Hang in there friends, it’s worth it,

Mrs Bipolarity

1 Comment

Filed under Mrs Bipolarity, Uncategorized

One response to “A Fear of Being Well

  1. Amy

    This is a thought-provoking post. Am I afraid of wellness? I will have to ponder this some more, but I am inclined to think yes. Like you, I have trouble determining my identity apart from the illness. With it, I view myself as broken. Without it, I just seem empty and naked. Is there an in-between? Do we coincide, this illness and I, or are we in a battle to see who will win? And if so, who’s winning?

    I believe I strive more for stability than I did when I was first diagnosed. I felt so helpless at that time, but through therapy and self-evaluation I have grown a lot. I know how important it is to be at an optimal level of functioning for my children’s sake, so that pushes me to work hard even at my lowest moments. I have had to throw away the key to the door of some unhealthy relationships. I am currently without a doctor, therapist or meds (insurance issues) but I am hoping something will work out in that department soon. I know it will always be an uphill climb to achieve and maintain wellness, but I know it’s something worth fighting for.

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